You may have noticed that I’m having trouble keeping up with blogging. I went to a doctor to see what’s wrong with me. He said something about some sort of creative paralysis of the frontal lobe. For that reason I have temporarily out-sourced the task to a good friend of mine, Prof. Schmitt-Hindemith. I merely gave him a few popular keywords and he was eager to write an elaborate piece of literature — that I haven’t read yet and simply will read it out to you now. Brace yourself!
Scotland is best known for its tape [uhm… maybe he gets to the point later] not to be confused with the alcoholic drink of same name. This transparent sticky striped foil that makes so many things stay together even if they were not meant for eachother is what all the people can identify with. How many of us tried to fix torn 8mm films with it, or taped it around our heads to make funny faces? [I know Sia did, but I don’t think that’s too common — but I guess he had done a lot of research before writing that kind of stuff down.]
Scotchmen also have a thousand years old habbit that makes them very patient. As pedestrians they will request the “green man” for crossing a street and then wait up to five minutes before the light turns green. Their favourite animal, the otter [huh?], however, would not have hesitated for too long. That’s why he’s almost extinct and makes him a perfect scapegoat — it’s always the otters! [That seems a bit far fetched.]
When Germans, mostly from Hanover visited Scotland, it rained so much that the impact of the rain drops literally made many holes into the peaty ground that quickly filled up with black water. Because they didn’t speak too much English at the time, they always talked about “Loch”, the German word for hole. While the Scottish people thought they were rather cleaning their throat they found that word so funny that they adapted it for their many lakes.
This is how they named their land. Also, when the vikings conquered parts of it, one of the tallest ones was called Ben. [Nooo… He can’t be serious…] To honour his amazing height, they named all mountains “Ben soandso” [sigh] — only if they had an elevation of at least 3000 ft.
[While the history has some really phantastic stories and legends to tell, maybe Prof. Schmitt-Hindemitt used Kamelopedia for research?]
At some point in time, people got tired of riding on sheep and demanded roads for their Shetland Ponies (these ponies never really grew much despite the constant watering — only their hair did, hence they were often mistaken for buffalos until they get a proper hair-cut. Legend has it that emos also originated from the Shetlands). But because only the men wanted the consealed paths, most of them became single lane roads. For the rare moments where they weren’t single, they introduced special passing places. Whenever two drivers from opposite directions met, a short waving told the other that he should have convinced his wife back then to also vote for roads and they would have got two lanes instead of one. [I’m starting to believe that he only makes these things up. Not that it doesn’t make sense… but…]
Scotland also consists of a lot of outer islands, the Hebrides, very small and tiny ones and also a few bigger ones. For some odd reasons, the Scotchmen needed to travel between those miraculous islands. Because they saw a business opportunity in this, they installed a ferry service. After some time and with all the rain and fog and the constant rowing, the people operating the boats transformed into something different. They became to be known as fairies. Legend has it they are still around as today though they abandoned the ferry services, but their existence remains mysterious.
[I just will continue reading this, I’m sorry it might not be what you or I had in mind.]
Speaking of mysterious, the otters [what is it with these animals?] for example, has increased his investment in non-fossil energy supplies. Rumor has it that they never actually built dams, but sub-licenced that business to the beavers. But around the few Bens, these clever creatures started farming the wind instead. This only one of the examples how men and mice quickly adapted to their surroundings. The red hair of many Scottish people is also a result of the bad weather — the bright colour is much better to be seen in the grey, so the children didn’t get lost easily.
They also were largely cross-dressers. They wore skirts without feeling any gender irritation [oh this is so wrong it hurts]. Depending on which pattern they picked they would recognise other people as friends or foes. Indeed they formed choir groups that called themselves clans. The musical history is a complex one, but at some point, the clan choirs were enhanced by bag-pipers, formerly hand-bag wearing cross-dressers. But they indeed did a great job at blowing the pipes.
Okay, that’s enough. This is not going anywhere. Next blog entry will again be written by me. I think it might be worth the wait.
